REASONS WHY ARGUEMENTS ONLY GET THINGS WORSE

It is fairly obvious that arguing is not the most effective way to resolve disagreements. At the same time there is a certain release or discharge of pent up negative emotions. It can at times almost feel good to let your partner have it—to express the frustrations that you have tucked away. But this temporary release is often quickly follow by remorse over the hurtful things that have been said. It is important to remember that although conflict is healthy, arguing is not the best way to handle conflict.

The following are some of the reasons that arguing does not solve problems:

1. No one is listening and no one feels heard or understood. You both end up feel more and more frustrated. Often arguments end, not because anything has been resolved, but because one or both of you have become so exhausted that you give up or walk away.

2. Both sides quickly become defensive and react to what the other is saying. Considering possible solutions often take a back seat to throwing insults at each other.

3. You both tend not to be completely honest with yourselves or your partner. As your anger rises, you get stuck in blaming your partner and find it difficult to see your own contribution to the problem.

4. Arguments often become an excuse for dumping a truck load of garbage on your partner. Past hurts and resentments are used to pummel each other, to either deflect from dealing with the present issue or to release emotions that have been stuffed away.

5. You are so busy defending yourself that you do not have the opportunity to consider that some of what your partner is saying may be valid and that there may be more than one way to arrive at a solution.

6. Both of you are so busy hanging on to your positions and having to be right, that you miss the opportunity to become a team working together to solve a problem.


This does not mean that you have to stuff away all your hurts and frustrations. It does mean creating an atmosphere where the two of you are safe to express how you feel and know that you will take turns really listening to what the other is saying. It means being willing to put your defensiveness on the shelf and do your best to see and understand your partner's perspective. It means separating the problem from your partner and working together to a solve problem rather than fighting each other.

Find this post helpful?

like it and share with your friends {Thanks for dropping by}

Read More

SPEAK MOTIVATION

i just felt like to share a little motivational poem with you
sure this should give and put you in the right mindset
to put the days stress on your shulders and work
tirelessly

If you think you are beaten, you are.
If you think you dare not, you don't.
If you like to win but think you can't,
It's almost a cinch you won't.
If you think you'll lose, you're lost.
For out in the world we find
Success begins with a fellow's will.
It's all in the state of mind.
If you think you are out classed, you are.
You've got to think high to rise.
You've got to be sure of your-self before
You can ever win the prize.
Life's battles don't always go
To the stronger or faster man.
But sooner or later, the man who wins
Is the man who thinks he can.

TFF

please do hit the share button

Read More

WERE YOU "DUMPED" BECAUSE YOU COULDNT LET GO OF EX?

We’ve all done it, to a degree. Some only briefly, while others develop a habit of sorts. What am I talking about? To commit the relationship “sin” of being controlling and obsessive toward your boyfriend or girlfriend. Perhaps this particular “sin” is why you now find yourself single.

This behaviour often begins to take shape around the short to mid-term stages of dating, right at the point where you find yourself most “in-love” and the happiest you’ve ever been. A common sign is that you’ll spend as much time together as damn near possible. Outsiders will look in and think, “yuck!” although I’m sure they, too, have been where you are, or will do. But I digress. The issue is this; the thought of losing him or her, perhaps to another, terrifies you so completely that you lose all sense of proportion (and sometimes dignity, too.)

That’s When The Monster Takes Hold…

t is quite probable that, at this point, your focus on the world got real narrow, and almost exclusively fixated on your (now ex) partner. You may not have realized it, but he or she became your whole world and, as hard as this is to accept, in your obsession you traded in all sense of perspective. In a sense, you became a different version of yourself.

If I were a betting man, I’d wager that you soon developed unhealthy “notions” about your ex, and other people around you. And unfortunately, it’s quite likely you saw things that were not really there, almost as though your rational mind took frequent short-breaks. For example, you might be out together, say clubbing, but you won’t like how other guys or girls are looking at your ex. You hate that they might see what you do, or that they are “undressing your ex with their eyes,” flirting…and wait, is your ex encouraging it? Ah…maybe, maybe not. The point is, you are not coming from a stable place to judge because of the extremely narrow view you’ve adopted.

As a result of your obsessive and controlling behaviour, your ex will have felt suffocated. Desperately seeking breathing space, they may become distant with you, but in your state this only makes you more clingy, and so you further suffocate your boyfriend or girlfriend until they can’t take it any more and breakup with you. Does that sound at all familiar? While the specifics will be unique for you and your situation, the outline will be true for many.

When the person you love becomes your “one and all,” in the unhealthy sense, the damage potential for yourself is much greater. If he or she was “all your world” and more, then to be abandoned by them, to no longer be intimate with them…or the thought they might be intimate with another? Ouch. It’s hard enough to go through this under normal conditions, all rejection hurts; but from an emotionally unbalanced, obsessive and controlling state…you feel an even greater, more exaggerated loss. Do you see now the unfortunate position you find yourself in?

Two Paths After You Broke Up

When your ex felt crowded by you, which may have been for a while, the smartest thing to have done at the breakup point, is to give them the space they so desire. By extension, the worst thing you could have done would be to increase your intensity and crowd him or her further. The former removes stress from the situation, creating space and opportunity for a willing return. The latter adds stress, causes more damage, and pushes them even further away with more resolve to stay away.

It’s cruel, but out of the 2 paths above, which do you think is the more popular? Yes, it’s the 2nd. I’ve already said I’m not a betting man…but odds are good that you also chose the 2nd path, calling and texting your ex multiple times each day, adding pressure to the situation rather than taking it away. The thing is, you’re only acting and behaving in the manner you feel most natural. You are not forcing yourself. You’re driven to do it by your volatile emotions which are bubbling away under the surface. It’s miserable, but you are suffering great pain and the breakup has sent your life into a spin. Bottom-line: it’s not reasonable to expect anyone under your conditions to act any different without a strong prod or two in the right direction.

Your Next Steps

Almost irrespective of what you’ve done up till now, there’s still the chance you both will reunite again into a stronger couple, without either of you displaying those aforementioned unhealthy traits. What that chance will be, though, depends largely on what you do next. Will you prepare, soak up critical knowledge, and action what you learn? Those who do, greatly increase their chance of success. And not just in getting back together, but in staying together too.

The obvious place to start is on the unhealthy obsessiveness you have with your ex. Naturally, you first want to cease contacting him or her, and give them the space they need. Space here includes emails and text messages. This step requires willpower, and some of you may even refuse to do it at all! I won’t say “ignore this at your peril,” though I might think it (wink.)

Following the above, you might want to try and turn down the “my ex is everything,” dial, and turn up the “me and the rest of the world,” dial. You want to widen your focus a little, so you no longer hold that narrow-view of only your ex. It is quite likely that in the process of narrowing your view on him or her, you excluded your friends and family from your life. Well, now is your opportunity to reverse this unfortunate side-effect. At this fragile time in your life, you want to have friends and family around you.

Weaning yourself off your ex is no easy task. It is a tendency after the breakup to hold a better-than-reality version of your ex in your mind. What about you, are you glossing over many of their not-so-ideal aspects? This really doesn’t help your cause. As such, some people find it helpful to purposely identify all the bad points of their ex, even going so far as to write a list they can later refer to. Having a little reminding of how “normal” they are can really help address this common phenomenon.

It’s crucial you get control of your emotions if you are to succeed in both winning your ex back, and keeping them. Many couples reunite, but those who do not resolve the original problem(s) are likely to find themselves single again. And fast. Make certain this is not you.

Please Share this article if you find it very helpful also like

Read More

TIPS ON SELF CONTROL THROUGH ANGER

Self growth through anger can actually be some of the greatest lessons you'll ever learn.

This particular emotion is a great indicator that something is seriously wrong and that you need to do something about it.

If you take the time to actually examine your anger instead of just "feeling" angry you'll gain incredible insights into yourself. The problem is usually you’re too busy being mad at people or external events to learn the valuable information your emotion is trying to tell you. You're blaming others for your feelings when really you should be looking inside.

Here are two ways to enable self growth through anger in a positive way:

1. Why Are You Angry?
Ask yourself, “Why are you really feeling this way?”

Understanding why you feel so angry can provide you with some surprising answers. It's these answers which can enable you to suddenly grow spiritually and mentally because you'll suddenly understand why you've been reacting a certain way.

So, to start with, ask yourself, "Why am I so angry?" If your response is something like “because Joe didn’t pick up the dry cleaning like I asked him to” then you’re not looking deep enough. Blaming others is the superficial response.

The fascinating thing about anger is that what you think makes you angry (people, events, situations) really isn't what causes you to get upset. They are simply the trigger for your emotion. They set off something inside of you by hitting on one your "buttons" or something that causes intense feelings for you. For example they may bring out past feelings of guilt or make you feel like you're being rejected or that you're not good enough. Or you may be feeling fear.

You can learn a lot about yourself by analyzing what feelings are stirring within. Once you figure it out and deal with it then you'll find that the trigger has no power over you anymore. A situation that would make you absolutely furious before will simply have no effect.

So, when you realize that you're feeling anger, ask yourself what bothers you the most about the situation? What is it telling you about yourself, your needs, your wants, etc.? You need to work through the emotion of anger as soon as you can. It's your reaction you need to figure out. Dig deep and learn from that. You'll be amazed at what you can discover about yourself.

2. Change Yourself, Not Others

The other thing to remember when you're feeling angry is that you can't change other people. You can only change yourself and how you react to the situation. By changing your reaction you can end up changing how the other person will respond to you but you can't change them first.

Once you figure out why you’re so angry, you then have a pretty good idea of what you need to change. You'll also have a better idea of what personal issues you need to work on. Feel unappreciated? Figure out why and how do you change your own feelings towards that? Mad at your spouse for burning the toast? Most likely that’s not what’s really bothering you. Usually, it’s a symptom, not the cause. Take control of the situation and change yourself. Your emotion has provided you with the clue, now figure it out.

When Using the 2 Steps, Remember the Following:
A Sign That You've Figured it Out


A sure sign you’ve figured out the true cause of your anger is the moment when you feel the anger suddenly subside. In the above example, if I’d left my soul searching at the point where I was still angry at not being appreciated by my co-workers, I wouldn’t have been able to discover the real issue. I would have still been very frustrated and angry at the external situation. Annoyed with my co-workers when they were only a symptom, not the true cause. As soon as I understood what was really happening, all the anger disappeared. I also knew I needed to make changes and from understanding why I was mad I had a better idea of what I needed to do. My anger truly was a great gift for me.

Until you figure out the real reason, the emotion will remain. It will be like when you have a thorn in your thumb. You may think you have it out but when you feel a prick every once in awhile, you know it’s still there. It’s not out until you deal with it. A sure sign that you haven't dealt with the real reason is that you find that you get irritated very easily with everyone and everything. It will seem like everyone is just out to wreck your day.


It's Worth the Effort

When you’re absolutely furious at something or someone, it can be hard to get yourself to start thinking about why it bothers you so much. The more you do it, the easier it gets though. And you feel a lot better afterwards because you have used it for personal self growth rather than letting it’s destructive side hurt you. You are able to move forward with your life because you have resolved the issue instead of just stuffing it down inside. If you deny your true feelings, episodes of anger are going to occur again and again until you deal with it.

Anger is also a negative emotion which takes a huge amount of energy. You may also find that your immune

system is reduced if you’re holding on to a lot of anger. Use your energy for positive things and learn from your anger. Think of it as a gift you’re being given to learn about yourself and how to get the life you really want..

Please Share this post if you find it helpful thanks

Read More