TALK NICE

You have probably heard the saying, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” As much as this can be bad advice for relationships, it is good advice for self-talk. Self-talk being that inner dialogue that sometimes mimics our parents and that all too often consists of us yelling at, belittling or berating our self.
The problem with negative self-talk is that it destroys our relationship with our self—our self-esteem plummets and our ability to cope with day-to-day difficulties decreases.

Notice, for instance, what you say to yourself as you awaken in the morning. Do you greet yourself with, “This is a great day! I love mornings. I feel so rested and alive.” or is your self-talk more along the lines of, “Grroan, I don’t want to get up. I’m tired and I hate work.”

The catch is that your self-talk will set the tone for your day. Basically you are either setting yourself up to succeed or fail by the thoughts and words that you repeat to yourself. But you can change your reality by changing your self-talk. You can consciously choose to think thoughts that will increase your self-esteem and lead to success rather than failure.

If you feel tired and worn out and you start saying to yourself, “I am well rested, energized and alive,” it may feel like you are lying to yourself. Don’t think of it as lying to yourself, think of it as describing you as you now choose to be.

Do an experiment: Talk nice to yourself (morning, noon and night—as often as you can during the day) for two weeks. Watch to see if it becomes easier as time passes. Notice if you start feeling a little different by the end of two weeks. Perhaps you will feel a little more confident or a little happier.

Remember that it has taken years to develop the habitual way that you talk to yourself and that changing those habits is going to take time and repetition. The more often that you talk nice to yourself the more ingrained that new habit will become. By making positive self-talk a habit you can begin to reprogram yourself to have the life you always wanted.

The benefit is that when you put the effort in to change your self-talk, those thought that you have trained into your subconscious will continue for years to come. When you have a healthy self-esteem and a great relationship with yourself, you will find that all your relationships improve dramatically.

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ARE YOU FIGHTING WITH YOUR PARTNER?

Are you fighting with your partner or are you fighting with yourself and your partner is getting in the way?

Internal conflict can spill over and create relationship conflict. For example, not feeling worthy of love, but wanting desperately to be accepted and loved can lead people to sabotage and doubt their partner’s love. Because of their inner state, they are unable to accept or feel the love that their partner offers.

However, anything their partner says or does that confirms their belief that they are unlovable will hit them to the core and be burned forever into their memory. Often resulting in the conclusion that their partner does not love them. This conclusion feels totally true to them because it coincides with their belief and internal picture of themselves as unlovable.

Sometimes people think that if they get out of an uncomfortable relationship that then they will be happy. Then some time later they find themselves in the same relationship with someone else. It does matter how far or fast you run, you will always be there when you stop.
There are many variations of this internal conflict, CHECK THIS OUT:

I don’t deserve positive attention from others;
But I badly want others to pay attention to me.

I shouldn’t burden others with my problems or fears;
But I need others to notice and care about my problems and fears

I am worthless;
But I need someone to prove to me that I am of worth.

I am ugly;
But I want desperately for someone to convince me that I am beautiful

These internal conflicts set you up to struggle in relationships. The beliefs that you hold do not allow you to receive the very thing that you most need from your partner.

At some point you have to examine the self-defeating beliefs that are blocking your happiness. When you have reached the point where you are willing to examine these beliefs and change those that are not serving you then your relationships will begin to heal, beginning with your relationship with yourself.

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WAYS OF SIMPLIFYING AND DEFINING YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

By now many of you readers would want to ask, WHY AM I ALWAYS FOCUSED ON RELATIONSHIP issues,
The simple answer there is to it is, in our society today i have come to understand we are growing more of separated families which in time affect the children negatively while growing up and at the long long run on their future and subsequently their new home; with that been said, it brings us to the TOPIC above:

Simplifying our lives is an ongoing struggle in this fast paced technological world. We are encouraged to simplify and unclutter our lives to make more room for relationships. Is it possible or desirable to simplify our relationships?
Do we make our relationships more complicated than they need to be? We make our lives more complicated than they need to be whenever we:


Demand Others Be a Certain Way to Make Us Comfortable

We complicate our relationships by expecting others to behave as we would and make choices so that we can feel comfortable. We can simplify our relationships by accepting that everyone is entitled to their own opinions and preferences. We need to be clear about our own values and principles and become principle rather than preference based in our disagreements. There are going to be times where we will just have to agree to disagree and that is okay.

Worry About Things Over Which We Have No Control

Worry, anxiety and stress complicate our relationships. Mark Twain said, “Ninety-eight percent of what I worried about never happened.” We can simplify our relationships greatly if when we have a concern we ask ourselves, “Is there anything that we can do to make this better.” If the answer is yes, then do it; if the answer is no, then take a deep breath and make the best of the situation.

Get Stuck in Anger, Guilt or Resentment

Releasing negative emotions will not only simply your relationships, but at the same time will make your life a much more comfortable place to be. Often acknowledging and accepting how you feel can be the first step to releasing that negative feeling. People tend to deny or gloss over their negative feelings, saying, “I’m not mad at you, or I don’t feel guilty.” Denying your feelings will complicate your relationships and make it less likely that you will get your needs met.

Miscommunicate

Much of what complicates relationships is simply miscommunication. Years ago, when I gave my daughter directions for how to get to my office for the first time, I spent a long time waiting for her to arrive, because although the directions seemed clear to me, they meant something else to her. I told her to turn on Quebec Ave. the first turn after the department store. Since there was only one way to turn on Quebec, I didn’t tell her which way to turn. She took the literal first turn after the department store going the opposite direction (not Quebec Ave). Unfortunately she did not have a cell phone at the time. Listening to understand and asking clarifying questions can greatly simplify your relationships and your life.

Manipulate and Play Games

When we play games rather than asking for what we need or want, we cause confusion and complicate our lives unnecessarily. Honesty is the solution for manipulation and game playing. We need to be honest first with ourself and then with our partner. What are our motives? When we are clear and open with each other we not only gain simplicity in our relationship, but we increase the level of trust. Trust is essential for any lasting relationship.

The simplified relationship is made up of two whole people, happy with themselves and others, who confidently ask for what they need, who are willing to listen to understand each other and who are honest and clear with each other. Simplicity in relationship is beautiful and comfortable. TFF

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REASON WHY PROCASTINATION IS BAD FOR A RELATIONSHIP

The secret of happiness is to make others believe they are the cause of it.

TFF


It really doesn’t take as much energy to maintain a relationship as it does to repair one. And if you wait until the only way you can communicate is by the smoke signals coming out of your ears then the damage is harder to repair and sometimes it is too late. People give up trying, saying that it’s just too hard and they are too tired to deal with it, fight about it or worry or care if it gets fixed.
So as a counselor I want to give some advice, free, I won’t charge you for it. When things are going good in your marriage, when you are happy about your relationship and really in love with each other, take a good look at your relationship. This is the time to make adjustments as needed. When you both still like each other as well as love each other.

I would suggest that at least once a month, probably more, each of you should take a moment to ask yourself these questions. “How am I feeling in my marriage?” “Do I still feel in love with my spouse?” “Am I doing the best that I can to make my marriage work and to make my spouse happy?” “Is there any thing I can do better, different, more of, or less of that will improve the chances of this relationship lasting and being happy?”
As you ponder these questions you can begin to pinpoint areas where you can improve your relationship. It is important to realize that you can change things; you can make a difference, that you can make it work. Because in all reality the only one you can change is you. Your partner has to worry about themselves; you have too much to worry about yourself.

And once in a while, monthly perhaps, get together and ask each other if every thing is going good for each other. Is there something you can do to help your lover feel happier, more successful, more comfortable, more fulfilled? It is these questions when asked in a loving caring manner with the promise to action that makes a marriage work. When each of you is just as or more concerned for your partner’s well-being and happiness than your own your relationship will blossom and in all likelihood you will never have to come and pay me for advice and help.

Human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives.

TFF

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Are We Falling Out of Love?

Many couples start to have doubts when the fur starts to fly. They start to wonder if they were “meant to be together” or if they ever loved each other. The reality is that every relationship goes through rough times. It is not the fact that you have disagreements or fights; it is the meaning that you attach to those experiences that decides whether it strengthens or breaks your relationship.

Unfortunately life has no rewind button and we cannot change what has already happened. What’s done is done. It is important to be clear about what you have the power to change and what is beyond your control. You can change the way your past affects you, but you can never change the events that have already happened. Giving up the dream of having a better past allows you to move forward to a better future.
There are things that we can learn even from the worst experiences of our life. What we do have the power to choose and control, is the meaning that we give to the things that happen to us. That is why two people can have the same experience and yet end up with totally different outcomes. One becomes bitter and miserable and the other chooses to love and enjoy life.

What meaning are you attaching to your experiences? What feelings do those meaning stir up in you? Do those thoughts and feelings lead you to be happy or miserable? If you had that choice would you rather be happy or miserable? The important thing for you to understand is the YOU DO HAVE THE CHOICE.

As human beings we have the amazing ability to manufacture happiness, even in the worst of circumstances. Christopher Reeve is one example of someone who chose to embrace and enjoy life regardless of circumstances.

It is not what happens to you that determines the outcome. It is the combination of what happens and the meaning you attach to it that determines the outcome. If you find yourself in love and hurting each other, it is time to take a step back and look at the choices you are making. Are your choices helping to get your needs met or are your choices getting in the way of the happiness that you want?

I would like to refer You back to my previous post titled "DEVELOP THE EMOTIONAL SKILLS TO IMPROVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP". Find out how to improve your skills HERE

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QUESTIONS THAT CAN HELP YOU GET YOURSELF OUT OF A "BAD DAY"

If you’re in a bad situation, don’t worry it’ll change. If you’re in a good situation, don’t worry it’ll change.

TFF

Some days go well. Other days can feel lackluster. Some days may start out pretty good but turn bad.

What can you do when you are having a bad day?

I like to ask myself a few helpful questions. These questions help me to regain a more optimistic and constructive perspective when I feel like doing nothing, dwelling on a problem or when I am in a bad mood.

Sometimes they help me to switch my perspective quickly. Sometimes they at least help me to see a bit of sunlight at the horizon and slowly I make a transition from having bad day into something a bit better.

1. Am I making a mountain out of a molehill right now?

It’s very easy to fall into the habit of making mountains out of molehills. You think and think about a small problem until it becomes something that you believe may ruin your life.

To snap myself out such a thought pattern I like to question and reevaluate by using this question. It makes life lighter because few things are real mountains. Most issues tend to be molehills exaggerated by over-thinking, listening too much to other people’s pessimism or not asking yourself helpful questions.

2. Does anyone on the planet have it worse than me right now?

I like to use this one when I am stuck on focusing on the negatives, when I feel like a victim and like things are going against me.

The answer helps me to remember and understand that I have much to be grateful for in my life.

This question changes my perspective from a narrow, self-centered one into a much wider one. It helps me to lighten up about my situation.

3. What can I learn from this situation and is there an opportunity here to grow in some way?

Whenever I am having a setback with my blog or am having a bad day in another area of my life I pause. I then ask myself this question.

And in almost all cases I can learn something new and/or change the direction in my actions so that I or some part of my life becomes better. Many times the bad days have in retrospect turned out to be blessings in disguises because they have been points when I have changes things in some way and made my life better.

So, when I wind up in a negative situation nowadays there is also often some curiosity and optimism that bubbles up within me.

4. What is one small step I can take right now to get ball rolling and to start turning this situation around?

Instead of spending too much time on dwelling on the problem or negative feelings see what you can do about the situation right now. By just getting the ball rolling in some small way by taking an action right now or today I usually feel relieved and a whole lot better.

I feel good about myself and I feel good about being on a path towards a solution or towards improving my day.

5. Can I just accept that this is how I feel right now?

Some issues you may not be able to take action on today to start resolving.

But that doesn’t mean that you cannot feel better about what is happening.

I can often feel better in these difficult situations by asking the question above and by fully accepting that this is how I feel right now.

Now, it is often a natural impulse to try to deny negative feelings or thoughts when they show up in your life. Perhaps you try to not think about them, perhaps you try to push that feeling away.

I have found that in many cases it is actually better to just accept that the negative feelings and th0ughts are here right now (although it can be hard to sometimes convince your brain that this is a good option as it wants to deny or reject what is).

By accepting that you feel this way and that these thoughts are floating in your mind you stop feeding more energy into them and you stop making them strong. After a few minutes of fully taking in this uncomfortable feeling and thoughts and accepting that they are here then they start to lose steam. They just seem to float away and you once again feel more open and are able to think more clearly.

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THINGS YOU CAN DO TO BUILD YOUR SELF CONFIDENCE

Confidence comes not from always being right but from not fearing to be wrong.

One of the most common questions I get via email is how to increase your confidence in yourself. It was also one of the most common problems people listed in the big survey I did at the end of the last year here on the blog.

So today I’d simply like to share a couple of things you can do to increase your self-confidence. For me, the most important one of these three things to build lasting self-confidence has been to…

Take small steps outside of your comfort zone.

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.

But an important thing about stepping outside of your comfort zone is that you don’t have to go all in at once in many cases. You don’t have to take one huge leap or become paralyzed in procrastination because the leap seems too big.

Instead, think about how you can move in small steps and slowly towards what you want. Just dip your toes in at first if that feels more comfortable. The most important thing is that you start moving and that you take action, not how fast or how much action you take at first.

If you for example want to start your own business then work on that in the evening while still working at your day job or staying in school. Don’t let thinking like “I have to go all in and take huge risks” hold you back.

If you want to improve your social skills and social confidence then take small steps. Steps like first just saying hi to people. And being more involved in conversations at work or in school to exercise your conversation muscles. After a while those things will feel more comfortable. And so you can expand your comfort zone a little bit more.

If you want to try something new like eating something new, talking to or calling someone new or reading something or doing something that doesn’t feel like the same old thing you always do then tell yourself that:

Just for today I will try [insert something you want to try
You just have to do it today. Not ever again after today. You are not signing up for some huge commitment.

Tomorrow you may continue on that new path. Or you may not.

By not making this into a huge thing you have do but instead just a small step that you can take and get done as slowly as you like it becomes so much easier to do what is most important at first: to put yourself in motion.

Then, along the way, you can take bigger leaps if you like and speed things up. You will learn through successes and failures (and realize that you won’t die if things don’t go your way all the time). You will quit some things and continue doing other things. And you will build your self-confidence muscle, step by small step.

Add smart habits to reduce the stress and inner pressure.

If you let stress and inner pressure ramp up you become weaker, you tend to overreact more often and negative viewpoints tend to pop up more frequently in your head. And your confidence in yourself and your ability to do what you want to do decreases.

By adding a few smart and simple habits that can release that inner pressure, stress and tensions on a daily and weekly basis it once again becomes easier to keep the physical and mental energy and inner strength up, to see things from an optimistic viewpoint and to keep it cool instead of making mountains out of molehills or feel like quitting after one mistake or setback.

Try adding one of these three un-stressing habits at a time and see how they work for you:


Just breathe. When stressed, lost in a problem or the past or future in your mind breathe with your belly for two minutes and just focus on the air going in and out. This will calm your body down and bring your mind back into the present moment again.
Set clear boundaries for your day and week. By stopping my work at 7 o clock in the evenings at the latest and shutting off my computer then, by taking roughly 15 minutes of relaxing and recharging break time for each 45 minute period that I work and by staying away from work during the weekend and all media for at least one of those weekend days I become more relaxed and productive.
Listen to yourself. When you become more irritable, start to feel drained, tired and creativity plummets listen to that. Do not plod on straight into the brick wall. Instead, schedule more time to take care of yourself. Don’t run off with your regular routine after school or work, take the time you have for yourself and spend much of it on yourself. Just stay in bed with a book for the evening. Or go out for quiet walk in nature. Do something you know relaxes and recharges you.



See it in your mind before you do it.

Before we are about to do something like having a meeting, a date, a regular day at work or a presentation many of us see it or some part of it in our mind. It is quite common to routinely imagine and see in your mind how things could go wrong in this upcoming situation.

Now, one often recommended thing to do instead is to close your eyes and see in your mind how well things will go. How things go great and as you planned during the presentation or meeting, how confident and enthusiastic you are during it all and then to see in your mind how the meeting is finished and done in the way you desire.

This way of visualizing has worked pretty well for me.

Another way of visualizing that I sometimes use is what could be called the “it’s no big deal” visualization. When I do this I basically see in my mind how this meeting or upcoming situation will not be a huge thing that could go wrong.

Instead I see in my mind myself acting in the situation as if it is a normal thing like so many daily or weekly things in life. I see myself as relaxed and calm, the situation may even feel a little anti-climactic and it really is not different than other meetings/situations that I have had in the past.

This may not sound as inspiring as the first visualization but I find that it is sometimes more useful because it can be easier to believe in than a overly positive image of how things will go. And because it reduces nervousness, relaxes me and it allows me to stay present and be as myself in the best way. And that is often all that is needed. Because most of the time increasing your confidence for some situation is not about adding something or boosting yourself up in some way.

It is about reducing stress and nervousness to the point where you can act and think in the same relaxed and positive manner that you do with close friends and family.


TFF

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DESTRUCTIVE WAYSN THAT CAN HOLD YOU BACK FROM LIVING A GOOD AND BETTER LIFE

Your thoughts and mind are truly powerful. A change or a positive habit when it comes to your thinking can make a world of difference.

But on the other hand, getting stuck in the same old thought habit can be that one thing that cripples you, paralyses you, causes much suffering and gets you stuck instead of getting you to move forward towards a happier and more positive life.

In this article I’ll explore few common destructive thought habits that I have had to struggle quite bit with in the past and what I have done to overcome or at least minimize them. I hope you’ll find something helpful in this article.

1. You see things in black and white. Instead of seeing life as it is, somewhat messy with a lot of exceptions to different rules, you see things in black and white. You are right and someone else is wrong. This way is good and that way is bad. Things are either this way or that way and there no exceptions or gray areas.

This makes it harder to make sense out of things, to take action in the right way and can be a way of thinking that makes you more and more inflexible as time passes. You get stuck and you can become terribly critical and unfair towards yourself and other people. You put barriers in your mind and life and this creates a lot more unhappiness and suffering than necessary.

What to do about it:


Try to understand the other side. It’s easy to stick to your point of view. But you can gain powerful insights about the other person and yourself too by trying to understand their point of view. This also tends to decrease harshness and negativity and can make it easier to reach an understanding where both parties feel more satisfied with the solution.
Be aware. Like with any habit in this article, just being aware and paying attention during your normal day can help you to discover and reduce these thought patterns by stopping that thread of thought and then changing what you focus on.
Find the exception. If thoughts pop up telling you that you suck in school or that your partner never helps out at home then say stop before those thoughts become a big black cloud of anger. Pause for a second or two. Then ask yourself: what is the exception to this thought? Find one exception or more to that black and white thought you are feeding.
You may for example realize that your partner cooks a lot of the food at home or do many of the repairs. Or that you are pretty good at writing and geography but have some improvements to make when it comes to math.


2. You look for problems even when there are none.

This is a weird one. In the past I have found myself looking for problems even when there are none really. I think in part comes from snapping back into your old mindset. I used to be much more negative and see problems everywhere for many years. So the mind is conditioned to operate that way and so used to it. So on some days you sit around and suddenly realize while thinking that you are looking for a problem in a situation or area of your life where there are none.

What to do about it:

One thing that really helped me was to have this written down on my white board on my wall to remind me each day: “There is no problem”.

Nowadays, if I am faced with what I start thinking is a problem I ask myself: who cares? I most often then realize that this isn’t really a problem in the long run at all.

I also think this can come from thinking a bit too much about personal development and working on that. You become so accustomed to looking for solutions that your mind wants to find problems that it can solve. This personal development stuff is awesome. But read about and think about it in moderation and not all the time.

3. You are addicted to your comfort zone.

If you are always thinking about how to feel and be really, really safe then making a positive change will be impossible. The unknown and change is uncomfortable and scary to the mind because it tends to want your existence to be stable and continue to be as it has been so far.


What to do about it:


Do it in small steps. What holds us back in our zone of comfort is often a fear or that facing that fear head on might be overwhelming. Doing things in small steps allows you to stretch your comfort zone and slowly making it less uncomfortable and frightening.
Focus on the positive past. Realize it can be fun to get out of your comfort zone despite what your mind and feelings might be telling you before you get started. Think back to the previous times when you have broken out of your comfort zone. Focus on the positive memories, when you got out there, when you took a chance. And you will probably remember that it wasn’t so bad, it was actually fun and exciting and something new to you.



tff

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